In A Relationship & Thinking About Someone Else: What To Do?

Short answer: thinking about someone else while you’re in a relationship is common and human. It isn’t proof your relationship is doomed. It’s usually a signal of unmet needs, boredom, or an avoidant pattern, not a verdict. What matters is what you do next: understand where the attraction comes from, set boundaries with the other person, and address what’s missing with your partner.

Relationships face many challenges over the years. While infidelity can definitely be the death of a relationship, can thinking about another person have the same effect? If you’re in a committed relationship and you’re trying to make sense of your attraction to another person, read on. You’ll discover the reasons that may be causing this attraction, such as being in a love avoidant relationship, so that you can take the first step toward dealing with these challenges.

Why Am I Thinking About Someone Else While In A Relationship?

Feeling attracted to someone while you’re in a committed relationship can be confusing and troubling. However, this can happen to anyone and for many reasons, like:

• You’re excited by the newness of the situation: If you’ve been in an exclusive relationship for a while, the excitement of the honeymoon period is long gone. Sometimes, you may just be looking for a change, and your attraction for a new person provides you with the excitement you crave. However, you can often recreate the same sense of adventure within your existing relationship if you make some small changes and rekindle the passion.
• Something in your relationship isn’t working: You may not like the other person as much as you dislike an aspect of your relationship. Maybe there’s a long-standing issue in your relationship that you can’t seem to solve. Your interest in the new person may be a distraction from these disappointments. While your relationship is very real, with all its ups and downs, your crush is most likely a blank canvas that you can fill with fantasy of what you wish you had.
• The other person is offering you something your partner isn’t: The other person may have attracted you by reminding you of something you lack in your relationship. For example, your partner may not show enough support for your ambitions and this person may seem very nurturing and supportive. 

Is It Normal to Think About Someone Else While in a Relationship?

Yes, noticing attraction to other people while you’re committed is normal, and it doesn’t make you a bad partner. It can happen to anyone, for many reasons: the pull of newness, something in your relationship that isn’t working, or a need your partner isn’t meeting. Attraction itself isn’t a choice; what you do with it is. It becomes a problem only when you feed the fantasy, hide it from yourself, or use the crush to avoid dealing with real issues in your relationship. If you’d like to understand the patterns behind who you’re drawn to, our attachment style quiz is a helpful place to start.

Is Thinking About Someone Else Considered Cheating?

This depends on the partners’ views on fidelity. While some people draw the line at physical affection, others consider thinking about another person to be as serious. However, in most monogamous relationships, whether you think of it as cheating or not, finding out that your partner harbors intense romantic feelings for someone else is very hurtful.

Do I Need To Break Up With My Partner If I Have Feelings For Someone Else?

No, you don’t have to end your relationship because you’re attracted to another person. The attraction will likely die down if you don’t nurture it. There are also several things you could do to get over your crush and continue thriving in your current relationship. 

You may instead decide to explore things with the new person. Either way, be honest with everyone involved, but know that jumping straight from one relationship into another usually creates more problems than it solves.

What Do You Do If You're In A Relationship And Like Someone Else?

Although it may seem counterintuitive, this newfound attraction can actually help your existing relationship. Yep, you read that right.  It can make you reflect on some important things about yourself, your expectations, and how your current partner fits into it. Here are some things to try:

• Give it some time: You need to give yourself some time to think about things and determine what the actual source of your attraction is. Does it signal that you’d like a change in your relationship? Is it only passing infatuation? Or maybe you could actually be a match? These questions are for you to answer, don’t rush it; however set some bottom lines for yourself.  If you don’t set some bottom lines, it could become physical and you may end up cheating on your partner.  This can bring devastating consequences.
• See what you can learn from it: Reflecting on your crush can give you an invaluable insight into what you need and want from a relationship. You may become aware of some aspects of your relationship that are rubbing you the wrong way. You can then use this understanding to work on your bond with your partner.
• Keep your distance: If you decide that you want to stay in your current relationship, protect it by staying away from your crush. If possible, avoid meeting them or interacting with them online and in person.  No Contact. If you can’t help communicating with them, perhaps you work together, don’t try to charm them or connect with them on a deeper level. Although it’s difficult to stay away, this is the best way to get over them.  Please, get help if you don’t want to damage your committed relationship. 
• Try to make changes in your committed relationship: Once you’ve established that there’s room for improvement, talk to your partner openly and try to work on the challenges together. You’ll likely grow even closer when you share your feelings this way. Also, you’ll probably have your needs met more effectively. You'll probably also find out what you could be doing to make your relationship stronger. 
• Channel the sexual energy into your relationship: Spice up your sex life or go on more dates to bring back some of the excitement of the initial stages of your relationship. This will give you a sense of newness and help you rediscover the things that made you fall in love with your partner in the first place.

FAQ: Thinking About Someone Else

Where Can I Find A Great Private Couple Retreat For Reconnection?

Thanks to our experience and compassion, PIVOT can help you gain a deeper understanding of yourself and your relationship. Our tailored curriculum will make you think about your early experiences and how they’ve shaped the person you are today. If you’ve had a hurtful experience, such as breadcrumbing, you can learn important takeaways and how to avoid it in the future. Simply sign up for our client-centered coaching sessions for individuals.

If you’d like to approach your relationship challenges as a couple, we also offer comprehensive couples workshops where you can work on issues together. Our friendly relationship advocates will guide you through the process of growing stronger as a unit. Get in touch with us to start the exciting journey of healing and discovery!